Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
