Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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