I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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