I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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