Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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