dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
