if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
