So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
