I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Less talking, more tequila
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
