I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
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My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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