so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Hippo gnu deer
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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