apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize