mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
