I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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