So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
