i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
