woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
