I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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