I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position