just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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