if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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