Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
