made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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