Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
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but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.