I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?