Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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