The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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