i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
