fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
