These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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