so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
