i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You've changed since you got that strap on