I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess