You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.