You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize