I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
