Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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