I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that