We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.