The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.