Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
