I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Can you bring me the toilet please
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house