You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
time to smoke my breakfast
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he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize