Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?