Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We had to coat check the pizza.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
