I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
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No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.