totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
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im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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I need a burrito and a hug.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.