I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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