I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
