I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
