she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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