That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
