Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
