My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
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I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.