Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
