he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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